Friday, April 27, 2012

honestly

thanks to food month of "7" I am only 6 pounds away from a weight I would be totally happy with. So why do I avoid looking at myself in the mirror like the plague? Well, atleast when I'm naked. I admit, I don't look half bad when fully clothed. But I hate my naked body. I have had 7 children - need I say more? I'm covered in stretch marks of all shapes and sizes from my armpits to my thighs. My skin hangs and sags from being stretched to capacity. Nothing is firm, smooth, or perky like it was when I was 19 (before I had kids). Because it's clothes month of 7, I've been sleeping in just a sports bra and underwear because I can't waste precious clothing items on sleepwear. I was lying on my side the other night, and for some strange reason looked down at myself. I never want to see myself in that position again - EVER! Let's just say gravity was not working in my favor. I've heard women say they love their stretch marks. I've heard them called "battle scars." I'm sorry, what war were you fighting? I was growing babies, not entrenched in some kind of battle against good and evil. I've heard them called "love lines." While that one certainly has a sweeter sound, the marks on my body have nothing to do with how much I love my children. They simply show that my skin couldn't handle 45 pounds of rapid weight gain. I love my beautiful children, and I wouldn't change anything, even if I knew then what my body would look like now. They are worth every sag, bulge, and line. But unlike many women, I can't talk myself into loving what childbearing has done to my body. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I'm realistic and practical, and sugar-coating is part of my diet, not my personality. I'm a positive person, and I look on the bright side, but I'm also honest. This dislike of my exposed body doesn't hold me back in any way, except from wearing a bikini in the summer - you're welcome! Let me also say how blessed I am to have a husband who constantly tells me how beautiful I am, head to toe, growing or shrinking, firm or saggy. Without him I might not be okay with how I look. I hate my body, and I'm totally fine with that. ***"7" update: My favorite t-shirt now has 3 tiny holes in the bottom front. Will this stop me from wearing it after clothes month is over? I think not! Hopefully they don't get bigger, though. Casualty of wearing the same thing over and over. I know this is something the poor deal with - except it might not be "favorite" but "only"

3 comments:

  1. I only have one kid, but I have more stretch marks between that and having my weight yo-yo that I totally can relate. I try and tell myself that along with my various scars from surgeries that it is "body art"...some days I believe it (and some not so much). Your honesty is always welcome with me :) Makes me feel less alone :)

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  2. I love your honesty!!! I always know where I stand with you and I know that you aren't going to give me something fake just to make me happy :)
    Being a woman is hard! I don't think we got the full story on how much our body would change with everything life throws at us!!! The curse sucks!!!!

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  3. Last week I said to Jack that I was thinking of having a road map tattooed over my stretch marks so then they would be body art. Haha! He didn't think that would look cool. I guess I don't either :)

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